I Just Read About That…

SOUNDTRACK: DANKO JONES-Garage Rock! A Collection of Lost Songs From 1996-1998 (2014).

Danko Jones has released nine albums an a bunch of EPs.  Back in 2014 he released this collection of songs that he wrote and recorded before his first proper single (1998).

This is a collection of raw songs, but the essential elements of Danko are in place. Mostly fast guitars, simple, catchy riffs and Danko’s gruff voice, filled with braggadocio.  With a cover by Peter Bagge!

He describes it:

Back in the 90’s,the Garage Rock scene, as I knew it, was a warts-and-all approach that favoured low-fi recordings and rudimentary playing over any modicum of musical prowess in order to glean some Rock N’ Roll essence. However, once a band got better at their instruments, songwriting and stage performance, the inevitable crossroads would eventually appear. Deliberately continuing to play against their growing skill would only evolve into a pose. There were a lot of bands who did exactly this in order to sustain scenester favour. We did the opposite.

What you hold in your hands is a document of what we were and where we came from. We didn’t know how to write songs and could barely play but we wanted to be near to the music we loved so badly. We ate, slept and drank this music. We still do. That’s why we have never had to reunite because we’ve never broken up. After 18 years, we’ve stayed the course, got tough when the going did and, above all else, we have never stopped. This album is the proof.

The first two songs are the best quality, with the rest slowly deteriorating with more tape hiss.

1. “Who Got It?” a big fat bass sound with lots of mentioning of Danko Jones in the lyrics. [2 minutes]
2. “Make You Mine” is 90 seconds long.  With big loud chords and rumbling bass Danko says “one day I’m going to write a book and let everybody know how to do it.  Seems to me there a lot of people around who want to see if I can prove it.  I been a rock prodigy since the age of 20 and my proof… my proof is right now.”
3. “I’m Your Man” is a bit longer.  The quality isn’t as good but the raw bass sound is great.
4. “She’s Got A Bomb” is good early Danko strutting music.
5. “Rock And Roll Is Black And Blue.”  He would name an album this many years later.  This song is fast and raw and only 90 seconds long.
6. “Dirty Mind Too” This is a fast stomping one-two-three song that rocks for less than a minute.
7. I’m Drinking Alcohol? This is funny because later he says he doesn’t drink.  I don’t know what the words are but the music is great–rumbling bass and feedbacky guitars with lots of screaming.
8. “Love Travel Demo” and 9. “Bounce Demo” are decent demo recordings.  “Bounce” has what might be his first guitar solo.
10. Sexual Interlude” “ladies it’s time to take a chance on a real man.  I’m sick and tired of seeing you women selling yourselves short, going out with a lesser man.
11. “I Stand Accused” Unexpectedly he stands accused of “loving you to much.  If that’s a crime, then I’m guilty.”
12. “Best Good Looking Girl In Town” a fast chugging riff, “oh mama you sure look fine.”
13. “Payback” This one sounds really rough but it totally rocks.
14. “Lowdown” Danko gives the lowdown: “You want a bit of romance?  I got you an bouquet of Flowers and a box of chocolates.  Why you crying for?  That ain’t enough?  Me and the fellas wrote this song just for you.”
15. “One Night Stand” garage swinging sound: Danko is a one woman man and you’re just his type.
16. “Instrumental” is great.
17. “Move On” is a long, slow long bluesy track about love.

It’s not a great introduction to Danko, but if you like him, you won;t be disappointed by this early baby-Danko period.

[READ: August 10, 2019] I’ve Got Something to Say

In the introduction (after the foreword by Duff McKagan), Jones introduces himself not as a writer but as a hack.  He also acknowledges that having something to say doesn’t mean much.  He has too many opinions on music and needed to get them out or his insides would explode.  He acknowledges that obsessing over the minutiae of bands is a waste of time, “but goddammit, it’s a ton of fun.”

So this collection collects some of Danko’s writing over the last dozen or so years. He’s written for many publications, some regularly.  Most of these pieces are a couple of pages.  And pretty much all of them will have you laughing (if you enjoy opinionated music writers).

“Vibing for Thin Lizzy” [Rock Hard magazine, March 2015]
Danko says he was lured into rock music by the theatrics of KISS, Crue and WASP.  But then he really got into the music while his friends seemed to move on.  Thin Lizzy bridged the gap by providing substance without losing its sheen or bite.  And Phil Lynott was a mixed race bassist and singer who didn’t look like the quintessential rock star.  What more could Danko ask for?

“Don’t Worry Be Happy= Glorious Satanic Praise” [Close-Up magazine, June 2013]
How misdirected are people who think metal is satanic.  “If you were Satan would you really back some loner dude in his mom’s basement wearing corpse paint, playing gloomy keyboards and singing songs about you?”  He took five of pop cultures most beloved songs and played them backwards: Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy,”  R.E.M.’s “Shiny Happy People.”  USA for Africa: “We are the World,” Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All” and The Beatles’ “All You Need is Love. ”  From what he learned, he suggests you watch your back when confronted with cute puppies, fresh flowers, sunny days and happy endings.

“Denim Demons Unite!” [Huffington Post website Nov. 9, 2012]
The best band in the world are from Oslo, Norway and they’re called Turbonegro.  They sound like Alice Cooper meets the Ramones, but their lyrics…?  Their most popular song is called “I Got Erection.”

“Born to Raise Hell” is a comic.  Story by Danko art by Gary Dumm.
A remembrance of Danko singing with Motorhead.

“Rock is Not Dead” [Visions Magazine, February 2015]
People have been saying that rock is dead for years.  But what happens when Gene Simmons says it?  Well he knows that the more sensational the statement the hotter the spotlight.  But he is out of touch and delusional, blaming consumers for downloading music.  Danko takes on Gene and Bono (for essentially making their album worthless spam when they put it in everyone’s iTunes account).   He concludes Rock music should fade from the foreground, slip into the underground and reclaim its rightful outsider status.

“The KISS RYB Colour Wheel” [Close-Up magazine, October 2011]
Eraldo Carugati’s color choices on the four kiss solo albums subtly mirrored the various in-band dynamics.  Gene and Ace received primary colors (red and blue) while Paul and Peter received secondary colors (violet and green).  Of course, this is just one way to deal with four people in a triad of colors.  Gene as red makes sense with the spitting blood and fire.  Ace as the spaceman should be in blue.  In 1978 blue was associated with space.  Paul is a blend of the showmen like gene and musicians like Ace and violet blends the two. Peter as Green.  Green often represents rebirth–the opposite of red’s destruction.  After some well-considered and thoughtful theory he ends this essay with, “Yes, I am doofus.”

“Dungeons and Heavy Metal and Dragons” [Close-Up magazine October 2010]
Danko has often branded someone who plays D&D as a complete loser.  And if you look closely you ‘ll set that he may protest too much.  In fact, he loves D&D.   He says that as a DM he likes to bring a metallic edge to each campaign by acting as deejay.  The rest of the essay is a primer in setting the tone and getting characters correct with bands.  For example:

• Cleric: Iron Maiden, Candlemass, Cathedral, Opeth, Blackmore’s Night
• Fighter: Dio, Saxon, Hammerfall, Manowar, Amon Amarth
• Thief: Dio, Satyricon, Cult of Luna, Earth, Emperor

It’s good fun and very geeky.

“There’s No Such Thing as a Musical Guilty Pleasure” [Huffington Post, May 4, 2013]
Danko hates the phrase because it means there’s a song you listen to in secret because it’s not cool enough for “music gatekeepers.” This makes music socially unacceptable and cliquish.  The only people that should be ashamed are the taste-making gate-keeping bullies and their need to cover up their own self-doubt.

“I’m Sick of Seeing Your Disgusting Feet” Art by Mary Fleener
This is a hilarious tirade against people and their feet…but the most important part is:  clean your feet before you decide to show them to the world in pair of sandals.

“Its Only Rock n Roll But I like Chinese Food” [Close-Up magazine, September 2011]
In 2002 Danko opened for The Rolling Stones (!).  No matter what happens to his band, he can always say that he opened for The Stones.  So what kind of orgies did the backstage provide.? Sex may be easy to get backstage but good food is a rarer and more appreciated commodity.  You can see the orders that Danko and his band had at the New Ho King followed right after by The Stones’ setlist form that night.

“Thoughts on the Vinyl Resurgence” [Huffington Post website, May 2, 2013]
He compares how he used to consume music with the way people do today.  Once people started buying compact discs they unloaded their vinyl to used stores and that’s how he bought his music.  There are people who bought the records for the music and those who bought it for the art or because it looked cool in their room.  He never bought a nice quality stereo because he knew the higher quality the stereo the slimmer the record collection.  What about getting to the organic sound of music through vinyl?  “Vinyl records are made up of polyvinyl chloride which is the third most used plastic in the world.  That doesn’t sound to organic to me.”   If he can find a used scratchy copy of Abbey Road for $5 it’ll contain more character and charm that a freshly pressed $32 version sold at Urban Outfitters.

“The Day I Met Johnny Cash (and sold him a Nirvana Record)”  Art by Valient Himself
Danko was working in the Eaton Center in 1995.

“Mule was a Rock band in the ’90s” [Rock Star Magazine, July 2009]
Mule’s album were alt-county by way of a backwoods trailer park.  Sing the praises of backwater rock!

“Hello & the Jesus Lizard” [Mute, July 2005]
Most people are forgetting who the Jesus Lizard were.  Next to grunge was an adjacent noise rock scene with Cop Shoot Cop, Helmet, Tad, Unsane, Mule, Nation of Ulysses, The Melvins, Killdozer and The Jesus Lizard.  There was a time when The Jesus Lizard were the only band Danko lived for.

“I Hate Tomatoes” [Huffington Post website, February 23, 2013]
Visiting Marben Restaurant in Toronto, he ate John’s burger which will make the Top Ten list of any burger.  And what puts it (and McDonald’s for that matter above everything is–no tomatoes.  Tomatoes are great on BLTs but not on burgers.  It’s like hot chocolate with ice cubes.  The texture never compliments a burger.

“Neil Peart vs. Mike Bossy” [Huffington Post website, May 31, 2013]
Growing up in Canada most boys are either Hockey fans or Rush fans.  Danko grew up loving hockey but he gave up his sports fan membership years ago.  But back then his favorite player was Mike Bossy.  He tells a funny story of almost getting to do something with Mike Bossy via a TV show called Thrill of a Lifetime.  But he wound up not getting it and then had to watch someone else do something with Bossy.  But Danko had always loved Rush and after reading Neil Peart’s books, he wrote him a handwritten letter in 2004.  Then he forgot about it.  Three years later he got a handwritten reply.  Neil Peart: 1 Mike Bossy: 0.

“R.I.P. Ravi Shankar” [Huffington Post website, December 14, 2012]
Danko and his parents never saw eye to eye on music.  But they took him to see Ravi Shankar way past his bedtime when he was 8 years old.  No show carries the weight of this one–an intimate college venue with Shankar not far away.  Danko has appreciated classical Indian music ever since.

“The 30 Years of Black Sabbath Mixtape” [Close-Up magazine, April 2013]
Black Sabbath have been making music for 43 years (in 2013) but most people only acknowledge the first 11 albums, from Black Sabbath to Mob rules.  But 2013 marks the 30th anniversary of Born Again, the album from 1983 with Ian Gillan–the beginning of creative floundering, line up changes and waning sales.   But there are gems to be found.  Here’s Danko’s list:

• Hotline (Born Again, 1983) [Ian Gillan, vox]
• Seventh Star (Seventh Star, 1986) [Glen Hughes, vox]
• Lost Forever (The Eternal Idol, 1987)  [a dismal album overall, save for this]
• Evil Eye (Cross Purposes, 1994) [Eddie van Halen wrote the riff]
• Sins of the Father (Dehumanizer, 1992) [Dio, with Geezer and Iommi]
• Can’t Get Close Enough (Forbidden, 1995) [Tony Martin, vox.  Would have sounded much better with Ozzy]
• What’s the Use (Cross Purposes, 1994) [Tony Martin sounds like a Dio understudy]
• Zero the Hero (Born Again 1983) [Ian Gillan vox]
• Loser Gets It All (Forbidden, 1995) [last song of the last Black Sabbath album]
• Master of Insanity (Dehumanizer, 1992) [the riff is a rip off of Judas Priest’s A Touch of Evil and Dio is back]
• Angry Heart (Seventh Star, 1986) [sounds like Mark 3 Deep Purple with Glen Hughes]
• The Sabbath Stones (Tyr, 1990) [this sounds like band influenced by Sabbath]

“The Music Festival for Heavy” Metal Lovers Art by Away
There are people who really listen to music and those who casually listen to music   And there are only two types of music good and bad. This is a celebration of the Roadburn Festival in Holland catering to heavy metal.  Danko figures his band is too commercial to play it, but he loves it.

“Crowning the King of Rock N Roll” [Huffingon Post, September 10, 2013]
Andreas Tyrone Svensson a,k.a. Dregen was in both the Hellacopters and The Backyard Babies.  He is the King

“Want to Win an Award?  Become a Canadian Musician” [Huffington Post, September 30, 2103]
There are at least 33 distinct music awards in Canada, not including awards that honor “The Arts” or Readers’ Polls, or Regional Awards.   But Danko has never won one and he’s okay with that.

“No More Horns” art by Brian Walsby
Everybody uses the devil horns in pictures.  Knock it off.  And the hell with Gene Simmons saying he invented it.  Danko either needs a new hand gesture or just something that says what he is, awkward, uncomfortable and mildly annoyed that you don’t know how to take a picture.

“A Lifetime of Fandom for Death Angel”  [Huffington Post, October 28, 2013]
Their debut Ultra-Violence was more raw and obnoxious than Slayer or Metallica and its still in his Top 10.  Lots of awkward kids get into metal because its an outsider music.  Even though the Death Angel guys mocked him when he arrived for an autograph session in his school uniform (with tie) he eventually befriended the guys.  And he raves about their 2010 album Relentless Retrbutuon.  He’s only bummed that he’ll miss their Toronto show because he is on tour.

“I Don’t Care That It’s Your Birthday” [Huffington Post, July 19, 2013]
Everyday on Facebook I get reminded that it’s someone’s birthday.  It’s worse when drunk fans ask him to dedicate a song to therm for their birthday.  Every day is someone’s birthday somewhere.   I mean what if the birthday boy/girl is a raging asshole.  He also doesn’t care that his own birthday is this week and he wants a new iPad or a gatefold Ghost B.C. album in red or yellow vinyl.

“Danko’s Ultimate Stoner Mixtape” [Huffington Post February 9, 2013]
People assume rockers are drug addicts or recovering drug addicts.  Danko doesn’t drink or smoke.  He never had a taste for it and was impressionable enough when he got Minor Truth and Bad Brains that they had an effect on him.  He doesn’t smoke pot but he totally supports its legalization.  Sometimes songs do sound better or different when high.  Here s list of songs that are like a contact high.

• Mercury Rev–“Chasing a Bee” (Yerself is Steam, 1991)
• Donna Summer–“I Feel Love” (1977)
• Kyuss–“Odyssey” (Welcome to Sky Valley, 1994)
• Jesus Lizard–“Then Comes Dudley” (Goat, 1991)
• Slint–“Nosferatu Man” (Spiderland, 1991)
• Hella–“Try Dis” (Church Gone Wild / Chirpin Hard, 2005)
• Wu-Tang Clan–“Clan in Da Front” (Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers),1993)
• Funkadelic–“Maggot Brain” (Maggot Brain, 1971)
• The Rolling Stones–“Heaven” (Tattoo You,1981)
• John Coltrane–“Olé” (Olé Coltrane, 1961)
• Shakti–“Joy/Lotus Feet” (Shakti With John McLaughlin, 1976)
• Monster Magnet–“Tab…” (Tab 1991)
• Chrome–“SS Cygni” (Alien Soundtracks I & II, 1977)
• Can–“Yoo Doo Right” (Monster Movie, 1969)
• Royal Trux–“The Spectre” (Cats and Dogs, 1993)
• Rush-“Jacob’s Ladder” (Permanent Waves, 1980)
• Outkast–“SpottieOttieDopaliscious” (Aquemini, 1998)
• Neil Young–“Cowgirl in the Sand” (Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere, 1969)
• Fu Manchu–“Blue Tile Fever” (King of the Road, 1999)

“It’s a Long Time ’til the Afterparty Ends (if you wanna go home)” [Huffington Post, June 14, 2013]
Nobody knows the protocol for going backstage, imagining it to be a riotous Dionysian meltdown.  Some backstagers want to wish everyone well, get a picture and be on their way but others want to hang out .  You played your balls off and now you have to host a party.  Most of the time you watch to make sure your belongings aren’t stolen.  People have grown to accept that alcohol is a requirement for music.  Maybe I’m an oddity but I’ve never needed any chemical help to appreciate rock [Amen, Danko!] …all the people who need alcohol with their rock music, do they secretly hate it when they’re sober?

“The Liner Notes for Sacrifice’s Forward to Termination reissue”
Sacrifice come from the same suburb that Danko does (Scarborough). He is happy to way the flag for this great band.

“I Met Beth” art by Fiona Smyth
Danko will always be a Kiss fan but honestly how many times can you listen to “Rock n Roll All Nite” and how can you actually care about Paul or Gene–its like staying with Batman or Superman after you’ve discovered Wolverine.  Beth (really name Lydia) was very polite when Danko met her for his podcast.

“You Should Be Allowed to Push People” [Huffington Post March 16, 2013]
People in Canada find Torontonians to be rude cold-hearted and selfish.  That’s why Danko calls it home. Toronto is the most multicultural city per capita.  But even Danko has pet peeves.  Don’t stand in doorways. Most of these dunces are the center of their own universe, unaware of the world around them.  When someone is caught standing in any publicly used doorway, the person behind them should be allowed to legally push them in order to make them move.  The push should be firm but light.

“Kerry King Made Me Do It” [Close-Up October 2015]
Danko saw Kerry at Massey Hall when he was young.  In the front row.  After the show a security guard grabbed a Kerry King guitar pick and gave it to him.  Guitar picks are a great collectible.  Danko doesn’t throw them to fans, but he will give you one if you ask.

“Meeting Robin Williams” [Huffington Post August 12, 2014]
Danko loved Williams’ comedy albums.  And then one day he saw him on the street and muttered “Hello Mr Williams.”  Years later he was playing a show when he heard that Williams would be doing a secret show.

“Peter Pan Speedrock–Buckle Up and Shove It!” [April 2014]
A band I’ve never heard of.  They play with rugged precision and finesse that will rip your face off and leave you asking for more.

“Survival of the Fittest” [Burning Guitars 2011]
Who wouldn’t want to watch American Idol?  Danko.  And me.  He assures us that he chase is better than the catch –the gestation period is the most fascinating part. Trying to figure out how to write a proper song took him years!  He still doesn’t know know how (as a large number of people wold most likely concur).

“Dressing Up as Vinnie Vincent” [Close-Up, April 2011]
For a costume party he decided to go not as a common member of Kiss but as Vinnie Vincent.  Nobody had a clue who he was.  And nobody bothered to ask.

“Musicians Talking = Dante’s 9 Circles of Hell” (Huffington Post, February 16, 2013)
Listening or reading about what a musician has to say about their own music is the holy grail of torture.  They believe what they say about their tortured genius and they are just buffoons.   Danko explains how to make a song.  You pick up your guitar and play it until something sounds good.  It might take 5 minutes or 50 days.  There’s no ethereal, otherworldly contact.

“Only Trust Iommi” (Close-Up, September 2016)
Danko challenges Henry Rollins’ quote “You can only trust yourself and the first six Black Sabbath albums” by saying you can only trust yourself an all 19 Black Sabbath albums.  He doesn’t think that Rollins meant he didn’t like Mob Rules or anything.  So just change the phrase to “Only Trust Iommi.”  This is funny since he also talks about how bad some of those other albums are.

“Stop Singing ‘Hallelujah’ So My Ears Can Stop Bleeding” (Huffington Post, October 15, 2013)
There are millions of songs.  Most people have a mental reserve of a few thousand.   Most people stop experiencing new music as they get older.   But many songs get played to death: “Stairway to Heaven” once sounded great.  But hearing it now means eight minutes of your life you’ll never get back.  And the recent rediscovery and exhumation of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” should cease and desist immediately.  He loved the song when Cohen wrote it.  John Cale made a beautiful template and Jeff Buckley perfected it.  We will all say Hallelujah on the day the last Hallelujah cover is sung.

“Secret Letters to Ritchie Blackmore”
In 2007 Danko started writing letters to Deep Purple’s Ritchie Blackmore.  He’d write them and read them out to guys on the van.  They convinced him to mail them… which he did.  He has never heard back..
Letter one : Do you like watches?
Two: You bear a striking resemblance to famed 70 magician Doug Hennig.
Three: I would love a photo of you to prove that I am not you.  People always ask me for autographs of you.
Four: He loves Blackmore’s Night.
Five: syncing up Ritchie’s “The Village Lantern” with the Sex and the City the movie works perfectly!

“Cassettes Must Be Destroyed”
Why anyone would want to own a cassette in this digital world of ease and functionality is puzzling and infuriating.  The cassette revival is a pose.  They break, warble, warp and unravel.  If you wish to play the new Adele or the new Foo Fighters on cassette when you can easily own an audibly superior version on a different format you have graduated to the next level of fake poseur and your insecure need to be seen as special and interesting reeks of patheticness.

“Make Satan Great Again” (Huffington Post, August 16, 2013)
Music was once about glam but then people made kick ass albums while looking boring.  And that’s great but sometimes we long for pomp and circumstance in our entertainment  Cue the band Ghost from  Linkoping, Sweden.  Papa Emeritus, loud abrasive guitars, daring costumes affixed with their alter egos, tons of make up and…Satan.

“Chip Cups and the Sad Case of the Communal Potato Chip Bag”
Being in a band is like being in a platonic marriage.. You learn to deal with everyone’s weirdness. But there are secondary social issues.  Here’s a new one.   If there’s communal food, be thoughtful of others.  Don’t just stuff your hand in a bag of chips.  To implicitly imply the right way to do things: 1. Open the bag yourself.  2. Pour a healthy amount into a cup and show everyone that’s what you’re doing.  Everyone will follow suit.

“What Would You Do?  20 Questions about Rock n Roll”
Since 2008 he’s been posting ridiculous questions to Close-Up Magazine readers that test their morality and their fandom.
Funny and somewhat thought provoking

“‘Overkill’ by Motorhead is the Greatest Song Ever Written”  (Close-Up magazine, March, 2016)
RIP Lemmy

The final page is an illustration of Captain Canada by Richard Comely and how Danko will be happy to help him out.