Last year I listed my 12 favorite Christmas discs.  This year I figured I’d do 12 gripes and 12 raves about Christmas music in general.  Of course, I’ll start with my gripes.

Note: This list only includes songs that we personally own (mostly on compilations we’ve bought over the years).   This is why “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” and Paul McCartney’s “A Wonderful Christmas Time” are not included here, because I don’t own them, so I don’t have to hear them.

This is Sarah here, chiming in as the co-owner of all this Christmas music and lover of Christmas music and person who makes us listen to it all December long.  I felt compelled to butt in, so you’ll see my comments below.

In no particular order…

1. “Santa Baby”
Boy I can’t stand this song.  I know it’s supposed to be cute and racy and risque or whatever, but I simply can’t stand how crassly materialistic it is.  And I’m not one who thinks Christmas is all about, like, Jesus’ birth or being good or anything.  I know it’s all about the presents; however, this song is just….so…wrong.  And if the Eartha Kitt version (the one you hear most of the time) weren’t bad enough, the Madonna version (on A Very Special Christmas) is just abysmal.  She sounds like a sexually deranged Betty Boop (which I suppose is not unusual for her circa this release, but still).  Stop trying to seduce Santa!  Make it go away!

Sarah: I concur.

2. Dean Martin-“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Nothing against this song at all.  In fact, there are many versions that I like quite a bit (Despite its bizarre origin…Rudolph was created for Montgomery Wards? and the insulting opening line, “Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?”  (You mean the most famous one?  No I don’t recall him, but, of course, I know the other 8 non-famous ones.  Who would have guessed?)).  No, it’s the Dean Martin version that gets under my skin.  Again, I guess it’s supposed to be funny or cute, but I don’t understand why he starts messing around with the song and sings: “Rudy, the red beaked reindeer” or why he suddenly busts out the pseudo-German: “Rudolph mit your nose so bright/Won’t you guide mein sleigh tonight?”  It’s just weird.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s weird, but you don’t have to hear it that often.

3. Beach Boys-“We Three Kings of Orient Are”
In general I don’t like Beach Boys Christmas songs.  There’s something very disconcerting about them…  I think they’re too high pitched or maybe just too Californian sunny for Christmastime or maybe I just don’t like how they’re mixed (which is shocking considering Brian Wilson and his perfectionism).  And, it bugs me that “Little Saint Nick” is about a car, but hey, cars are their thing (and the “run run reindeer” part is still pretty fun).  However, their version of  “We Three Kings” is the most funereal, depressing carol ever.  Brian Wilson may have been depressed out of his mind, but he didn’t have to share it with the rest of us.

Sarah: The tone of this version does suck, I agree. In general this just isn’t the best Christmas carol and it’s no wonder you have to sing it the way may dad did: “We three kings of Orient are, tried to light a rubber cigar, it was loaded, and exploded, scattered us near and far.” Huh. That seems a little less funny in 2008, doesn’t it?

4. Alvin and the Chipmunks.  “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”
I like novelty songs.  And I love Weird Al (“Christmas at Ground Zero” is a classic in inappropriate Christmas songs).  Yet I can’t stand this song.  I have no idea why.  It may be the sped up vocals (I also don’t like “Purple People Eater,”) but there’s just something about this track that rubs me wrong.  This also applies to two other “cute” Christmas songs: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.”  The original “kid” vocals are just awful, but others have made the songs totally tolerable.  For instance Nat “King” Cole’s version of “Two Front Teeth” is quite delightful.  But back to this Alvin business.  I liked the cartoon back in the day, and I sort of like them as creations, but this song….it hurts! it hurts!

Sarah: To say I love this song is going too far, but it just wouldn’t be Christmas without singing along with Alvin (or is it Simon (my fave, by the way)? or Theodore?) about wanting a hula hoop.

5. “Merry Christmas Baby”
I don’t understand why it’s okay to sing festively about  alcoholism in a Christmas song: “I haven’t had a drink this evenin’ baby/But I’m all lit up like a Christmas tree.”  Maybe I just don’t like Christmas songs with Baby in the title.

Sarah: I like the little piano bits in this song.

6. Johnny Cash-pretty much anything.
I really like Johnny Cash.  He’s the man in black after all.   And after seeing Walk the Line I was even more impressed after hearing his life story.  So yeah, Johnny is bad ass.  Which makes these Christmas songs all the more weird.  And not in a good way.  The guy who shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, doesn’t get to sing “Away in a Manger” or narrate “The Christmas Guest.”  Either he’s lying in these songs or he’s not as bad ass as he seems (and either one is a disappointment).  And “Silent Night” is one of the most ethereal, beautiful, heavenly songs of the season, but Johnny’s version utterly mars the sentiment when his basso profundo comes in with his SIGH LENT NIGH TUH.  And the talking, oh the talking!  On Christmas with Johnny Cash, there’s at least three songs with really lengthy talking in them.  Gah, just get to the music.

Sarah: I am not quite as disappointed as Paul with this album, mostly because it contains one of my favorite Christmas song-“The Friendly Beasts” and despite our large collection, this is the only version we have of it.  And Johnny sings it beautifully. Also of note on this album a song that goes “Merry Christmas, Mary, thanks for the child”, which I find comes across a little weird-hey Mary, thanks for your baby.

7. James Taylor-At Christmas.
I like James Taylor. Not a lot, but I enjoy both of his Greatest Hits when I ‘m in the mood.  And his brand of folk is soothing and pleasant.  But this Christmas record is really the height of blandness.  When detractors mock James Taylor for his blandness, this is what they’re thinking of.  He takes all of the joy out of these songs by dragging them on and on.  And there’s virtually no passion in them anywhere.

Sarah: I take the blame for this having purchased it last year. And I hate to admit a mistake about a purchase, but I really don’t like his versions of the songs and I also dislike his smug little bundled up picture on the album cover.

8. Just Say Noel compilation
I know for some bands, Christmas albums are a sign of selling out or making a quick buck.  Heck, the sales bin are littered with yesterday’s stars trying to cash in with a holiday album.  So it makes sense that cool artists would get embroiled in a Christmas project.  However, when a cool band does decide to release a holiday track, you’d think that they’d do something worth the wait.  But lo, Christmas “rock” albums are chock full of big name bands doing lame Christmas songs.  To wit: The Just Say Noel album is probably the most disappointing Christmas compilation ever released.  It has so much promise, with Beck and Sonic Youth and The Roots and Elastica, but what we get instead are: Beck-“The Little Drum Machine Boy” (seven minutes of monotonous technobabble about Hanukkah (and no offense to Hanukkah but you can’t even understand what he’s saying)). Sonic Youth-“Santa Don’t Cop Out on Dope” (with Sonic Youth you either get cool noisy freakouts or dissonant singles, but this is just an uninspired (or perhaps even coerced) bunch of nonsense…with a personal Merry Christmas to David Geffen).  The Roots-“Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa” (The vocals are recorded so low, it’s really hard to hear this rap about Millie from Philly).  Even the Aimee Mann/Michael Penn song “Christmastime” is kind of dull.  The rest of the disc has a dull song by Remy Zero, a song from the movie Toys (how random is that?) and a passable “Amazing Grace”.  The only songs that are at all fun are Elastica‘s “Gloria” (which doesn’t actually appear to be Christmas related in any way); Southern Culture on the Skids (a band I don’t particularly like) “Merry Christmas Baby” (not that one, but their own spin on it), and XTC‘s “Thanks for Christmas” (a song I like very much but which is available elsewhere).  The only two real surprises for me are The Posies “Christmas” (The kind of alt-xmas song I would have expected on this compilation and The Wild Colonials-“Christmas is Quiet” (a band I don’t know at all, but whose Christmas song is sweet AND catchy).  You just wouldn’t expect the best songs to come from bands that are more or less unknown.

9. Bobby Darin-“Christmas Auld Lang Syne”
There’s really nothing wrong with this song per se. I’m not weirded out by any religious overtones, but I am weirded out by the last line of the song when Bobby Darin screams “thank the LOOOOOOOOOORD!” and holds it for a really long time.  I’m not sure if other versions do that, but this one makes me wince every time.

10. Here Comes Santa Claus
Gene Autry wrote this song.  I’m not sure what it says about him.  There is such a weird mixture of Santa and God.  You start out, quite nicely, with: “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, Right down Santa Claus lane. Vixen, Blitzen, all his reindeer. Pulling on the reins.”  So far, so good.  Santa is, as we know, fictional, and it’s nice to keep the elements of the story correct.  However, as we get a little further along in the song we have this couplet:  “Hang your stockings and say a prayer, ’cause Santa Claus comes tonight.”  Okay, that’s a little weird, but sure, we can say a prayer at night.  Fine.  Then we have this wildly bizarre line: “Let’s give thanks to the lord above, ’cause Santa Claus comes tonight.”  Okay, the two are pretty much unrelated, but I suppose it’s okay to thank the lord for Santa.  Maaaaybe.  But really the most questionable line is “Santa knows that we’re God’s children, That makes everything right.”  WHAT?  Now you’ve just crossed the line.  Santa doesn’t care that we’re God’s children, [which makes me think of David Sedaris’ line “Santa didn’t used to do anything”] he just knows if we’re good or bad.  And why would it make everything right if he did know that?  Is it not right otherwise?  I used to really like this song until I actually started listening to the lyrics.  Boo!

Sarah: I can’t hate this song because it makes me laugh every single time to sing along with “Let’s give thanks to the Lord above, ’cause Santa Claus comes tonight.” Every time. So count me in for liking this one.

11. Flaming Lips-“White Christmas”
Just to show I don’t only dislike oldies, I’m adding this track.  Now, I love the Flaming Lips.  Love them.  They’re one of my favorite bands of all time.  But this travesty of a cover of “White Christmas” has no redeeming value at all.  It is creepy and unpleasant and not even in a cool way.  I have a version on a compilation that subtitles the song as “Demo for Tom Waits” which sort of makes it funny.  But really, no.  It just hurts.

Sarah: ditto. I HATE this version of a beautiful song.

12. The Little Drummer Boy.

I simply can’t imagine who thought this was a good idea.  If I take the song literally, who in the world wants a drummer anywhere near their newborn baby?  The drummer boy is always depicted with a snare drum, and no amount of anything will make a snare drum go “pa rum pum pum pum.”  A snare is a harsh loud smashing sound, not suitable anywhere near a baby.  And, even if the ox and ass did keep time, there’s no way the baby is smiling when it’s done.  Not even if it is Jesus.  Of course, if it was an African talking drum, that would not only be okay, it would be very cool.  And, I’d welcome any talking drum players to my house.

Sarah: I can’t believe Paul didn’t complain about the Bing and Bowie version of this, which I adore.  Mostly because of the David Bowie parts and it always tugs at my heartstrings when he sings “I pray my wish…will come true… for my child..and your child too”.

12.5 (Boxing Day addendum) Eva Cassidy
Not really a gripe, just a note of concern.  How come during the song “It’s Not the Presents Under the Tree (It’s Your Presence Right Here Next to Me)”, whose sentiment I like very much, Eva Cassidy suddenly sounds like she’s Michael Jackson (from the Jackson 5 era)  It’s uncanny.  Before I looked up who the singer was, I was certain it was Michael or one of the other Jacksons.

= ?

Sarah: I will add in one of my most hated Christmas songs which Paul did not mention–“Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” by the Pointer Sisters. I can’t stand the laughing banter, the “SAAAAAAAAAAAAnta Claus” way they sing, the whole thing bugs me.