SOUNDTRACK: THE TALLEST MAN ON EARTH-“I’m a Stranger Now” (2019).
I’ve enjoyed The Tallest Man on Earth and I’ve been looking forward to seeing him live for a while. I’ve actually had really back luck with his tours. One time something came up on the night I was supposed to see him. Another time he had to cancel his tour. But, with luck, I will get to see Kristian Matsson live.
The Tallest Man on Earth sings simple folk songs. The greatness of his songs comes from his voice and delivery. There’s something about his voice and his style that is steeped in American folk, but the fact that he’s from Sweden changes his outlook and his accent.
This song from his album I Love You, It’s a Fever Dream follows in the style he is known for–spare, simple melodies and his often wordy lyrics.
Starting with fast acoustic chords (played high on the neck), Kristian begins singing in his familiar but unique style. The bridge ends with a fast vocal melody that is a pure hook that leads to the singalong titular chorus.
After three minutes, the song slows down to a quiet guitar melody and near-whispered vocals.
[READ: May 1, 2019] The Man on Platform 5
I know Robert Llewellyn from the show Red Dwarf, of which I am a huge fan.
In fact, I didn’t know anything about this story, but I figured if Kryten wrote it, it must be good. I had read his memoir, the wonderfully titled Thin He Was and Filthy Haired, and I was sure I had read this at the time as well. But evidently not, because when I started flipping through it I realized I didn’t know a thing about this story. I also see that he has written quite a lot more in the last two decades.
It seems fairly obvious from the get go that this story is a gender reversing story of Pygmalion or My Fair Lady. Instead of a man trying to improve a woman, in this story, a woman is trying to “improve” a man. In some ways it’s very modern and progressive and in other ways it’s pretty stuck in gender stereotypes. But hey it was the 90’s, before writers were enlightened.
The man who needs bettering is Ian Ringfold. He is a trainspotter! (I love that Llewellyn made that his hobby as I have heard of it but never knew exactly what it entailed). He loves obscure facts, dry goods (he works in a supermarket) and being incredibly dorky. He is deeply into what he likes and genuinely can’t understand why other people wouldn’t like those things.
Enter Gresham and Eupheme. They are half-sisters and have spent pretty much their entire lives squabbling. Their train breaks down on the same platform that Ian is currently trainspotting. Eupheme, the more humane one of the two, bets Gresham that she can turn this sad “anorak” into a “useful member of society.” Gresham says it cannot be done. Eupheme (who is short on funds) says that if she can turn this loser into someone that Gresham would fancy that Gresham would pay her a tidy sum.
Gresham and Eupheme have always squabbled. They have the same father and they were born only a few months apart. Gresham is his “legitimate” daughter while Eupheme was the result of a dalliance. Their father is very rich but really only Gresham gets to enjoy the rich lifestyle as Eupheme lives with her mother Grace Betterment (Llewelyn makes some great names) and receives only scraps. Gresham’s mother does not want anything to do with her, naturally. Eupheme’s mother was once pretty but has been ravaged by alcohol and hard work.
Ian is an amusing enough character and I can absolutely picture Llewellyn playing him and saying things like “Not on your nelly!”
While Eupheme went to talk to him on the platform (and he is really wonderfully awful) he learns that she is somewhat famous (she is in TV production and knows famous people) and records a short video clip of her which he is going to put in MPEG format on his website: http://www.rednet.homepages.ringfold/tlvid [no longer active if it ever was]. This book is set in 1998 so Eupheme doesn’t know anything about the Internet and that naivete, and his explanations are very amusing to read about in 2019.
She has someone at work check out his website (IT guys existed back then) and she marvels at the video (which takes forever to load of course).
In addition to trainspotting, Ian also collects celebrity autographs (Eupheme doesn’t understand why one would do that). He has a book full of them so when she talks about celebrities,he lights up. The more they talk, the more way she corrects him–his expressions, his word choices his loud ummmms between words, he un-PC tendencies (he’s not racist, but he hasn’t learned that some words aren’t said in public). Slowly, over the next few chapters she tries to spiff him up–buys him nice clothes, gets him to go to the gym, gives him elocution lessons. He becomes pretty hunky.
Eventually she takes Ian to a premier and he passes (he even resists the urge to get autographs). I love that he name drops a bunch of British comedians, but especially his Red Dwarf cast mates.
Gresham meanwhile is slated to get married to Piers (it’s at her reception that Eupheme plans to unveil the new improved Ian). Gresham is not very excited about the marriage, but he is a very rich man and that goes a long way.
At the premiere Gresham meets Ian unexpectedly. She agrees to Eupheme that Ian is a gorgeous man, but refuses to accept that he is the trainspotter. When Gresham tells Ian that it was Eupheme’s plan to fix up a trainspotter, he walks away from the whole thing. But it’s not just Gresham’s pride that is hurt. She was starting to like Ian (a little), but more importantly, she had put out a lot of money to make Ian into the man he is now and she needs to win to recoup her loses. Plus, she needs to beat her sister for a change.
But Ian wants nothing to do with her anymore. She has also pretty much cost him his job because he has been so distracted. he had an opportunity for a promotion and he blew it.
Gresham finds Ian’s number in Eupheme’s purse and decides to stop by his house for proof. She drives to Ian’s house (he lives with his mom) and invites him out. He is blown away by her Range Rover and he loves the satnav which she doesn’t know anything about (again, more fun reading about 1998 in 2020 as he tries to explain this new technology). She finds him refreshingly odd. he speaks his mind and he makes her laugh. Eupheme might find him funny but she is so uptight and worried about the contest that she can’t relax. They spend a day together. Gresham is very direct. She says what she wants and she expects to get it. By the end of it she has rented them a room and seduced him (although they don’t have “full sex” because he is saving himself for marriage–him explaining what “full sex” is is really funny).
But he does so things to her that her fiance never did. (The story is pretty explicit).
Then Gresham encourages him to play along with Eupheme’s plan. She promises to pay him half of the bet (which would leave him set for a while).
So now Ian realizes he has two problems: Gresham and Eupheme. Eupheme was interesting but she wasn’t safe–he never knew what she was going to correct about it. He felt safe with Gresham. She might seem dangerous when first encountered but she was so clear about what she wanted that would never be a time when he wasn’t sure what was coming next. Regardless, he goes along with both the improvements from Eupheme and the “not full sex” with Gresham.
The biggest surprise comes late in the story when Ian’s mother dies. Not so much that she dies as she is old and ailing, but the way it happens is utterly inane (and really shocking).
This frees Ian up from his real responsibility (looking after his mum) and allows him to follow his own instincts.
One of the more fun scenes in the book is when Eupheme introduces Ian to her friends and they ask him all kinds of questions about why trainspotters do what they do–it’s a delightfully open conversation between men and women. Because he asks them direct questions about women and they are the kind of open women who will answer him. Lots of funny stuff there.
The end of the story goes through some twists and turns and there are some very amusing pairings that occur by the end (sex at a wedding!).
Perhaps the strangest aspect of this story is Ian’s eventual plan. He decides that he will use his computer [programming knowledge to create a program that helps you pick exactly what kind of woman you are looking–a way to analyze data and make the confusing entity known as woman accessible to dumb men who can’t figure out women. It’s simultaneously pretty offensive but with its heart in the right place. But it’s also pretty funny because of how them men so desperately need it.
By the end of the story everyone is paired up and a happy ending makes this weirdly romantic story satisfying.
Despite some of the problems with the story (especially reading it in 2019), I’m very curious what his other books are like.
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