I Just Read About That…

SOUNDTRACK: FRIGHTENED RABBIT-Midnight Organ Fight (2008).

My friend Jarrett introduced me to this band.  He rather casually called it his favorite album of the year, so I figured it was worth checking out.

Frightened Rabbit are a group from Scotland, and they play a sort of disaffected folk.  Although that’s not a wholly accurate description because they do kick in the drums and louder guitars.  So, yeah, they don’t sound anything like Belle and Sebastian.  This is complemented by the lyrics which are somewhat bitter or aching.

And speaking of lyrics, the first song that I wanted to sing along with most was “Keep Yourself Warm” and then I realized that the chorus is “It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.”  There’s also a very pointed use of the mother of all C words, in another song, too.  And I’ve had that song in my head for about three days now.  But I absolutely cannot sing the song at work or at home, or, well, anywhere except in the car when I ‘m by myself.

This all leads me to wonder, Do bands save their best songs to fill with curses or am I just 8 years old and I listen to the song with curses the most?

The one thing that has troubled me about the record is that at times the singer can sound like the guy from the Counting Crows.  And the Counting Crows are probably the band I hate the most in the universe.  But I just focus on the Scottish burr which lessens the Durwitz effect, and then I can enjoy the disc again.

[READ: Summer 2008] The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes

This is a collection of humorous vignettes that are, if not about books exactly, certainly literary in nature.  If you like your humor to be bookish, then this is a great, funny collection.  It starts with the cover itself, as it is printed backwards and upside down w(the cover above is actually on the back).

Many of these pieces are very short (some are a page, even some more are just a few sentences.)  Plus, there are so many pieces that I’m not willing to write all that much, just a one-line summary (that I will try to make funny without giving away the punchline).

I thought about indicating in some way which ones I liked best or some kind of rating system, but that just seems extensive and cruel.

Most of these pieces came from McSweeny’s online, and I’m sure many of the pieces are still available there, but I’m not going to do all the work for you.  And it’s funny how many jokes there are about: James Joyce, Kafka, Homer and children’s books!

Oh, and authors: I started to include all of your names in my Categories, and then it just got too overwhelming.  But if you want to be added, just drop me a note!

Click here for the egress:

JOHN HODGMAN-“An Introduction To A Book Of Bookish Humor From McSweeney’s”
A very funny introduction to himself and to literary parody and to himself.

CRAIG BERMAN-“The Recruitment Of Harry Potter”
A professional quidditch team tries to lure Harry Potter.

ALEX ST. ANDREWS -“Social Security Denies Gregor Samsa’s Disability Claim”
Gregor Samsa is stuck in bureaucratic hell.  Hilarious!

SEAN CARMAN-“From The Found Notebooks Of The Members Of Homer’s Writing Group”
Criticisms of The Odyssey from Homer’s Writing class. (“Another great story!”)

JOHN MOE-“Winnie-The-Pooh Is My Coworker”
What if you actually worked with Winnie? Oh, bother.

JAY DYCKMAN-“Re: Hardy Boys Manuscript Submission”
Inappropriate suggestions for Hardy Boys stories.  Delete references to Nancy Drew’s “killer rack”.

JIM STALLARD-“Goofus, Gallant, Roshomon”
Looking at Goofus and Gallant from different perspectives. “That freak belonged to the cult of manners.”

TEDDY WAYNE-“Perhaps I Should Stop Naming The Protagonists In My Semi-Autobiographical Fiction After Myself”
Just because the characters have my name doesn’t mean it’s me.  Really!

ELLIE KEMPER-“Following My Creative-Writing Teacher’s Advice To Write ‘Like My Parents Are Dead'”
All stories are derailed by hilarious outpourings of grief.

DAN WIENCEK-“Thirteen Writing Prompts”
13 story starters.  “Write a short scene set at a lake, with trees and shit.”

JEFF BARNOSKY-“Dateline: To Catch a Predator: Humbert Humbert”
Lolita is just a decoy for the Feds.

COLIN McENROE-“I Am Michiko Kautani”
This was much funnier when I realized she was a real person.

MATTHEW KENNEDY-“The Dick And Jane Reader For Advanced Students”
“Jane breathed through her nose and thought, There must be an easier way to keep a man.”  Inappropriate!

MIKE RICHARDSON-BRYAN-“Klingon Fairy Tales”
Goldilocks Dies with Honor.

DOOGIE HORNER-“The History Of The Beloved Children’s Book Series The Berenstain Bears”
The Berenstain’s son was left in the woods…hence the story obsession.

ANN ASHER-“A Lost Scene Involving Louis, A Turkey Character Cut During The Final Edit Of Charlotte’s Web”
Louis is hypercritical: “Some pig? It doesn’t convey any real sentiment, does it?”

BRIAN DANILO-“The Five Most Dangerous Children’s Books Ever Written, According To Sean Hannity”
Goodnight Moon: challenges the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.

DAVID HART-“Bedtime Stories By Thom Yorke”
The electrodeath cloud of commerce strangled the little bunny

ERIC SILVER-“Popular Children’s Fairy Tales Reimagined Using Members Of My Family”
Cinderella starring my sister in law as Cinderella.

TEDDY WAYNE-“Feedback From James Joyce’s Submission Of Ulysses To His Creative-Writing Workshop”
Snotgreen=hyphenated.

JONATHAN SHIPLEY-Phrases On The Marquee At The Local Strip Club To Cater To A More Literate Crowd”
Leaves of Ass!

LAURENCE HUGHES-“Lady Macbeth On Ambien”
The real reason to get out, damned spot.

PAUL KRUMHOLZ-“Alternate Endings To Famous Literary Works As Written By A Fifteen-Year Old With A Grudge”
Rip Van Winkle awoke to see that Dan had written “balls” on his forehead.

ERIC SILVER-“The Earlier Epic Battles Of Grendel’s Mother”
Grendel’s Mothr vs. the Manager at ShopRite.

ALFRED CORN-“Pound-Eliot Sestina”
Sestinas rock, but they’re not my forte.

DAVE JOHNSTON-“The Philadelphia Flyers Have A Time Machine: Mary Shelley”
“I’ve never babysat before,” Chris Therien said to pre-teen Mary Shelly, “crushing her fingers with his oversized hand.”

TEDDY WAYNE-“Johnson’s Life Of Boswell”
Johnson wants a new Biographer.

CALEY FELDMAN-“Ikea Product Or Lord Of The Rings Character?”
Freden? Griima?

MATTHEW COLLISON AND CHRIS MCCOY-“The American Canon Of The Choose-Your-Own Adventure”
Choose Your Own Adventures by Hemingway, Faulkner and Henry Miller.
Do you Grit your teeth and think about the war? Order a brandy?

MARTIN BIHL-“Postcards From James Joyce To His Brother Stan”
Still blind, of course.

ROB CURRAN-“Portrait Of The Artist As A Middle-Aged TOEFL Teacher”
Your fractured grammar communicates the misery of existence in Zurich.

MATTHEW SIMMONS-“Our Town Apologizes”
We are not a nudist colony waiting to happen.

MIKE WARNER AND MICHAEL PARDO-“Shakespeare’s Interrogatories, Or Why He Wanted To Kill All The Lawyers”
Defendant Brutus objects to “Et tu Brute” on the grounds that it is vague and ambiguous.

JAKE SWEARINGEN, EDWARD FAIRCHILD, AND SAM KING-“From The Grad Schoolyard: The Diarrhea Song”
When you’re laughing at Voltaire and you flood you underwear…  Childish and hilarious!

BEN GREENMAN-“On The Occasion, Give Or Take, Of The Fiftieth Anniversary Of The First Staging, In Paris, Of Samuel Beckett’s Waiting For Godot, A Few Representative Selections From The Annotated Treasury Of Waiting For Godot Parodies”
Waiting for Saddam, Waiting for Good Blow etc.

TIM CARVELL-“Unpublished Coda To Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird”
it is a sin to kill any animal whose soul purpose was to provide delight…the rest were fair game.

JOHN KENMAN-“Cormac McCarthy Writes To The Editor Of The Sante Fe New Mexican”
A traffic light is needed.  A man gets weary.

JARED BLOOM-“Still Kicking: The Very Authorized Biography Of Stephen Seagal, Volume II, PP. 567-68”
What to call that movie…Difficult to Beat Up maybe?

DERRICK MARTIN-“Frank McCourt’s American History Calls: Course Syllabus”
Pts 1-8: The Irish

RICK STOECKEL-“My Memories Of My Geisha”
My geisha is awesome!

LAURENCE HUGHES-“Alice Walker Meets Roy G. Biv”
God wants recognition for all the colors!

BRIAN BIEBER-“Tales of Erotica: Chuck Norris And Me”
In this sex story, I will substitute my girlfreind’s name with Chuck Norris.

CAREDWEN FOLEY-“Chapter Titles For Rachel Carson’s 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected For Being Too Alarmist”
Having Your Retinas Disintegrate from Too Many UV Rays?

BEN JOSEPH-“Celebrity Biographies Written By A Guy Who Cannot Distinguish Fiction From Reality”
Harrison Ford dropped out of high school to pursue a career in intergalactic smuggling.

JARED YOUNG-“John Updike, Television Writer”
Joey suggests Ross improve his skills at cunnilingus.

SCOTT CUNNINGHAM-“Eight New Entries In The 2007 Writer’s Market Guide To Literary Journals”
Spilled Milk publishes stories that make us weep.

ELLIE KEMPER-“In Response To Accusations That My Memoir, I, Ellie Kemper, Borrows Numerous Passages From Rigoberta Menchú’s Memoir I, Rigoberta Menchú’”
A defense against plagiarism

CHARLIE ANDERS-“A Serial Killer Explains The Distinctions Between Literary Terms”
Visceral examples help aid in the distinction

SUSAN MORTON-“Foreword For The Yet-Unwritten Book Leah Is A Delicate F*#%ing Flower By An Emotionally Unstable Person With Rage Issues”
Leah agrees that should be the title of her book.  Um, what book?

SEBASTIAN BITTICKS-“What Critics And Writers Are Saying About My New Book Of Poetry, The Doberman Plot”
Word-filled, sentence-filled prose.

DARBY LARSON-“Don’t Read This Or You Might Get Poked In The Eye With A Dagger”
It’s kind of a pop-up book but with daggers.

JIM FLOOD-“Ten Brief Character Sketches”
Jonathan spends as much time nude as he can.

LUCIANA LOPEZ-“Author’s Letter To His Soon-Top-Be-Ex-Wife”
I wasn’t even thinking when I gave that character your name

TOM LOMBARDI-“Query”
What if you mailed yourself along with your manuscript?

DENNIS DiCLAUDIO-“Words And Expression Commonly Misused By My Insipid Brothers-In-Law”
I was wondering AS TO WHETHER you are intending to offend me.

JOHN WARNER-“Rounder Characters In No Time Flat!”
Why not make him (or her) a superhero?

CHRISTOPHER MONKS-“Submission Guidelines For Our Refrigerator Door”
Keep in mind that any poem containing the word “poop” will not be accepted.
This was the first time I realized that Chris Monks was actually Chris Monks that I used to work with!  It’s awesome that this piece is so damn funny:

AMELIA MORRIS-“Why I Won’t Sell Your Memoir To Hollywood For Million, Grandma”
It’s a handwritten journal that you Xeroxed!

GEOFF HAGGERTY-“Twist Endings”
He was dead the whole time.

TYLER SMITH-“Jean-Paul Sartre, 911 Operator”
Man is anguish.

JEFF BARNOSKY-“Rough Drafts Of Jenna Bush’s Young-Adult Novel”
The Fledgling Democracy of the Traveling Pants

BLAIR BECKER-“Whale Of Mass Destruction–Richard B. Cheney, Adjunct Professor In The Humanities, Presents: The Annual Symbolism In Melville Lecture”
Ahab rises to power to rid the world of WMDs.

JEAN-PIERRE LaCRAMPE-“Romeo And Juliet Flynn, The Sophomore Squad’s Head Cheerleader”
I said shut up, retard, you smell like Doritos.

WAYNE GLADSTONE-“Yesterday’s Book Reports From Today’s Notables”
A Separate Peace reviewed by Matt Damon, age 12.

SEAN CARMAN-“Jean Eyre Runs For President”
Who, man or woman, would not find his pompous questions exhausting!

ZHUBIN PARANG-“Thrilling Chapter Endings You May Use In Your Next Novel”
My studies prove you’ve been dead the whole time!

CHRIS STECK-“Possible Titles For Future Sue Grafton Novels After She Runs Out Of Letters”
F1 is for Help!

TYLER SMITH-“I See No Other Option Than To Resign As Emily Dickinson’s Rap-Battle Coach”
Tippets and Tulles? Are those rival gangs?

ANDREW TAN-“Holden Caulfield Gives The Commencement Speech To His High School”
It’s one line.  I won’t give it away.

WILL LAYMAN-“Gregor Samsa, Coach”
Throws  clipboard to ground, extrudes a greenish film from salivary glands

BENJAMIN COHEN-“Borges Was A Webelo”
“What the hell are you doing, kid?”

WILLIAM HUGHES-“A Series Of Letters To Homer From Thimines, Odysseus’s College Roommate”
Nobody wants to listen to a story about a guy who never got above a 3.0 GPA!