SOUNDTRACK: hiatus
[READ: February 2022] Hogfather
I don’t know that I’d call many Discworld books “exciting.” They’re funny, thoughtful, clever, interesting and so much more. But usually not “exciting. ” But there’s something about Hogfather that makes it an incredibly exciting read.
It starts with the Auditors. We haven’t seen them in a while. The last time we saw them, they basically fired Death because he was getting too involved with humanity. The Auditors are gray spectral beings who exist to make the sure the world is running correctly. If any of them acts even remotely like an individual, he is instantly zapped and replaced with a new even more neutral Auditor.
And what makes the world not run smoothly? Humanity. Really, the Auditors hate humanity. And they think they have finally figured out a way to make things run more smoothly. They decide to get rid of the Hogfather.
The Hogfather is more or less Santa Claus, but with a Discworld twist. Yes, he grants children’s wishes on Hogswatchnight (December 32–which takes its name from the Scottish celebration for the last day of the calendar year–Hogmanay) and brings them presents, but his sleigh is pulled by four wild boars, Gouger, Rooter, Tusker and Snouter. We don’t see much of the actual Hogfather because once Death learns that Hogfather is… incapacitated, Death decides to take over his duties for the night. Why? Because if Hogfather doesn’t exist then the Sun will not rise. This is nonsense, of course. Isn’t it?
Death knows that belief in Hogfather is what makes him real so he (Death) does the job of the Hogfather and travels the world giving presents (and leaving sooty footprints). Alfred eats all the porkpies and drinks all the sherry. Death even makes a visit to a shopping mall (one of the funniest things in Discworld) to give kids exactly what they want.
But so how can the Auditors get rid of Hogfather? They have to follow the rules and can’t interfere, exactly. So, they pay the Assassin’s Guild to assassinate him. The Guild brings up Jonathan Teatime (pronounced teh-ah-tim-eh), a man so creepy that everyone he meets is freaked out by him. Not just because of his glass eye, but because the “good” eye is like a tiny pinprick of color as well. He is also uniformly vicious. He has already thought about how to kill the Hogfather, so he is quite ready for the job.
Teatime hires some local thugs to help him: Chickenwire, Medium Dave Lilywhite, Banjo Lilywhite, Catseye and Peachy as well as a student wizard named Mr. Sideney and a locksmith named Mr. Brown. Not all of these characters will survive the experience. They were the toughest characters in Ankh-Morpork, but even they are afraid of Teatime. I love that Pratchett humanizes even these brutal thugs.
But no Discworld story would be complete without a bunch of other things going on. First there’s Bilious, the god of hangovers. He just popped into existence. He doesn’t know why. Back at the University, it turns out, all kinds of unexpected creatures are popping into existence. We always knew that Jack Frost was around doing his thing. And we’ve seen the Tooth Fairy on numerous occasions. But now there’s the God of Lost Socks and the Veruca gnome and The Cheerful Fairy (who almost hooks up with The Senior Wrangler(!)). If one of them can say it out loud, it pops into the room. They don’t understand why this is happening (we know it’s because the Hogfather is … missing and there is surplus belief going around).
Oh, and there’s the continuing development of Hex, the “computer” that the Wizards are building. There’s a real mouse involved now, and when Hex is thinking a giant hourglass appears. It’s wonderful that Ridcully–who has no patience for Hex or Ponder Stibbons and the other Wizards who are making him–just yells at the thing and it actually seems to listen to him.
Fortunately for the world (although not so much for her) Susan Sto-Helit has been called to help out. Susan is Death’s granddaughter (it’s a long story). Whenever Death is not being Death (like now he’s being the Hogfather) she is sort of dragged into his space to see what’s going on. She is usually dragged there by the Death of Rats and Quoth, the raven that helps to translate the squeaks.
Susan had gotten a job as a governess and was excellent at frightening the monsters that were under the kids’ beds (by literally hitting them with a poker).
Susan wants nothing to do with anything to do with her grandfather’s work, for the most part. But she also knows that she has a responsibility to find out what’s going wrong. When she discovers that the Hogfather’s house has collapsed from lack of belief, she knows it’s a pretty big deal. Susan knows a thing or two about beings that aren’t supposed to exist (she’s one of the few people who can actually see The Tooth Fairy, for instance). But when she goes to find the Tooth Fairy, she learns that Teatime has captured her and has magicked his way into getting the children to stop believing in the Hogfather. What was she doing with all of those teeth anyway?
The ending of the book is quite exciting as the various plots all converge with what amounts to a couple of exciting climaxes.
It’s a great story.
Here’s the list of all Discworld books in order:
1. The Colour of Magic
2. The Light Fantastic
3. Equal Rites
4. Mort
5. Sourcery
6. Wyrd Sisters
7. Pyramids
8. Guards! Guards!
9. Faust Eric
10. Moving Pictures
11. Reaper Man
12. Witches Abroad
13. Small Gods
14. Lords and Ladies
15. Men at Arms
16. Soul Music
17. Interesting Times
18. Maskerade
19. Feet of Clay
20. Hogfather
21. Jingo
22. The Last Continent
23. Carpe Jugulum
24. The Fifth Elephant
25. The Truth
26. Thief of Time
27. The Last Hero
28. The Amazing Maurice And His Educated Rodents
29. Night Watch
30. The Wee Free Men
31. Monstrous Regiment
32. A Hat Full of Sky
33. Going Postal
34. Thud!
35. Wintersmith
36. Making Money
37. Unseen Academicals
38. I Shall Wear Midnight
39. Snuff
40. Raising Steam
41. The Shepherd’s Crown
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