SOUNDTRACK: hiatus
[READ: Fall 2021] Lords and Ladies
The Discworld Witches are back for another story. (This is the fourth Witches story which puts them on equal footing with Rincewind at this point).
I have been reading all of the Discworld stories in order (obviously?) and I wasn’t looking forward to this one because of the lousy cover. I mean, look at that.
But this book turns out to be great. In addition to the enjoyable story, Sir Terry sets the record straight on elves. They are nasty. They are wicked. They are not cute, they are cruel. And they don’t appear in Discworld because generations ago they were locked out
The only way they can get back in is via the Dancers, a ring of magnetized iron stones. Or technically they can’t get in there because the iron stones keep the elves away–elves can’t abide iron. But when the time is right the worlds get close and the elves try to see if they can somehow get someone to magic away the iron.
And it turns out this is a time of convergence. Crop circles begin appearing around Lancre and that can only mean that the universe of Elves is nearby.
So what is wrong with elves exactly? They enter the minds of humans using glamour, to try to make them see the world differently. Yes, Witches enter into human and animal minds, but only temporarily.
Here’s what they say about elves. And what those words mean.
- Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
- Elves are marvelous. They cause marvels.
- Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
- Elves are glamourous. They project glamour.
- Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
- Elves are terrific. They beget terror
- No one ever said elves are nice. Elves are bad.
Granny and Nanny can remember the stories about the elves. But Magrat is too young, to sweet to believe that elves are bad. She would believe that the elves are magical and fantastic in a good way. She would not understand why they must be kept out.
And so Granny and Nanny do not tell her.
As the book began, King Verence (in the last book we weren’t sure where he and Magrat stood) declared his intention to marry Magrat. And he declared his intention to everything done withher having any say in the matter. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that, but she wasn’t too happy.
But when the older Witches hide the details about the elves Magrat has had quite enough of them. She renounces witchcraft (throws all of her gear into the river) and decides to just accept being queen.
In about an hour she is bored out of her mind.
But there is the wedding to think about. And some people are thinking about it a lot. Like the Wizards of Unseen University, who are, unexpectedly, invited.
The Wizards must travel across the country to get to the wedding. And of course, coach travel can be dangerous. In fact, the price of the coach includes the cost of the robbers they will encounter. But before they encounter robbers their coach is beset upon by Casanunda (he’s back!). He proves to be an excellent companion and when they arrive and he discovers that Nanny Ogg is there, well, that made everything worthwhile.
Nanny and Granny are not thinking all that much about the wedding because they have more serious things to worry about. A group of young girls has created a coven. Lucy Tockley, who thought “Diamanda” was more witchy is in charge along with Violet “Magenta” Frottidge, “Amanita” DeVice, and Agnes “Perdita” Nitt. They all think that Granny is a stiff old stick in the mud and that they can do things much better than she can. And as for avoiding the Dancers (which everyone knows you must always avoid the Dancers) well, they think the Dancers are a fine place to practice their witchcraft.
Granny has a Witch-off with Diamanda in the middle of the village. But Diamanda doesn’t believe the results are real (Granny used headology to win), and she sets off to prove herself.
However, with the Dancers already weak, Diamanda’s presence merely allows some elves to enter. Diamanda is pierced by an elven arrow, so they bring her to the castle so that Magrat can heal her (Granny and Nanny admit that Magrat does know her herbs better than they do). But they still don’t tell her about the elves. Especially that they have an elf locked up in the dungeon downstairs.
Pratchett has teased out Morris Dancers in an earlier book, but the Dancers come to the fore here. One of Nanny Ogg’s boys is a lead dancer (and an ace blacksmith). The boys have been asked to perform in a play (they would rather dance). They rehearse near the dancers so they won’t be seen, but the Elvish magic starts to affect their minds. They would much rather be doing the Stick and Bucket Dance (but it is now illegal (old Mr Thrupp is still walking with a limp after the last time).
But their magic has allowed the elves to enter, under the leadership of Queen Ynci.
Unfortunately, Magrat has locked herself in the castle, Nanny is on a dinner date with Casanunda, and Granny is out with Mistrum Ridcully. What?
Yes, earlier in the book Ridcully was talking about his youth and the woman that he loved so passionately until she denied him. It turns out that the woman was Granny–they grew up in the same place and had some very special moments together. But Granny knew that she had a calling as a witch and that romance was not in the cards for her. And yet, they can still reminisce.
And so it is up to Magrat to take care of things. But Magrat? What can she do? She’s so nice. Until she puts a crossbow bolt through the keyhole and into the eyeball of an elf. Margrat had been studying the old queens of Lancre. Most of them were boring. But the very first one was a warrior! With an iron helmet with wings! And bad ass chainmail and so much more. And Magrat is just he person to channel her to save Lancre.
There’s also a very cool part at the end where Granny Weatherwax is able to inhabit a hive of bees–something no witch thought was possible. This book is exciting, funny and wonderfully feminist.
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