[LISTENED TO: August 2014] The Hero’s Guide to Being an Outlaw
This audio book was ten hours long. We listened to it on a long car trip (from New Jersey to Canada).
I wasn’t quite sure how the title of this book would make sense since the heroes are heroes after all. But we quickly learn that all of the good guys have been accused of killing Briar Rose (they didn’t even know she was dead!). And her father has put a bounty on all of our heroes: Prince Frederic, Prince Gustav, Prince Liam, and Prince Duncan and Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Princess Lila.
Of course, it shouldn’t take anyone long to determine that there has been a nasty plot afoot and that someone from their past has some pretty evil plans to attend to.
However, the way the story is written–with each character getting his or her hilarious chapter–it does take a little time before the truth comes out. But it takes only a few pages before the scary news comes out–Rundark, Warlord of Dar is back, and he is angry. Well, he was always angry, but I suspect he’s even more angry.
But before we even get to that, I love that Healy begins the book with a seemingly nonsensical (but funny) Prologue by listing all the things we don’t know about outlaws.
Outlaws have too many feathers in their hats.
Outlaws are allergic to seafood.
Outlaws never forget to floss.
Oh, and outlaws are people who are hunted down because they have been accused of terrible crimes.
Okay, I supposed it’s possible you knew that last bit already. But if so, then you may be wondering, “What’s with all the outlaw stuff? This is a book about the League of Princes, right? Those guys are heroes. Or at least hero-ish.”
After reading the first two books of this series (which might be a good idea before you go any further with this one), yes, you’d have every reason to assume that the famed Princes Charming–Liam, Fredric, Duncan and Gustav–would always stand firmly on the right side of the law….
And yet in this book, they become outlaws…. In fact, the entire League found their faces on Wanted posters all across the Thirteen Kingdoms.
And this is just one more reason why I love these books. He continues:
Before you start crying “Spoiler!” let me point out that you would have found out about the whole Wanted poster thing in Chapter 4 anyway. And seriously, the title of the book kind of gives it away, doesn’t it?
The book starts with Frederic, after all that questing, he is aimless and has no real purpose. He likes helping Rapunzel heal people, but he can’t really do anything. As he’s feeling bad, he gets some help from Rapunzel’s sprites (Pinchot’s voices for them is bizarre and wonderful). And then soon enough Gustav happens upon Rapunzel’s care and is surprised to see Frederic with her. Things get a bit awkward. Until Gustav shows Frederick the wanted poster.
Then we jump to Castlevaria the home of King King and Duncan. And they are just as dopey as ever. King King wants to teach Duncan about ruling, but Duncan wants none of that. He just wants to write his book. And Healy lets us commiserate:
Perhaps you can relate. If you have ever been a child (and I’m reasonably sure you have) than you’ve no doubt experienced the frustration of a parent pulling you away from an enjoyable pastime in order to instruct you on how to reattach loose buttons, clean leaves out of rain gutters or separate egg yolks–and you have paid little attention because you know in your heart that you will never in your life have cause to do such things
We switch to Princess Lila. And although she is with Ruffian the Blue to start, he is terribly injured–possibly killed–and she must go on without him…all by herself. She’s tough as nails, but is still young enough to be totally insecure about her skills.
And of course, with the success that Ella has been having, she has no time for Liam constantly messing up her plans. In fact they meet when they are both stalking the same prey–and completely get in each others’ way.
At some point, the men and women separate–mostly due to the feud between Ella and Liam. And to show solidarity, the women become the Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters or “ffff!” as Snow calls them.
While they are separated, the men wind up on a ship (the first real nautical adventure they’ve had). And things are catastrophic at sea, of course. The joke about Gustav and fish allergies is pretty hilarious. As is Gustav’s falling for the pirate queen.
Meanwhile, the women are imprisoned. They meet a new friend named Val who has a great outsider’s perspective (she was also jailed unfairly). And, there’s the hilarious Snow (how can Pinchot read these with making himself laugh?) who cannot get the name of their prison guard correct. His name: Euphustus Baileywimple. Among the mistaken names she calls him: Festivus Dailywindow, Fungus Bullwinkle, and Eucalyptus Bellybutton.
And there’s jokes galore:
When Liam is annoyed by, well, everything, he starts:
“Mock me all you want—”
Gustav cuts him off:
“I’ve been waiting years to hear you say that!….Your hair looks like limp swamp grass, and your eyes are too small for your head. And when you get angry, you make a face like a horse with bad gas.”
“Liam huffed and gnashed his teeth.
“Just like that,” Gustav added pointing.
Just when you think that every character in the series has made an appearance, along comes Deeb Rauber! I was so happy to have him back as he’s my favorite audio character (I wonder who I would like best if I was reading the book?). Rauber is seeking revenge on Rundark as well, and even though our heroes don’t trust him, he does have some good ideas.
Perhaps the funniest sequence is when they find a genie in a lamp (after being stranded in a desert) who grants them each a wish. And, boy is it tough to think of the right kind of wish–unless you’re Duncan and you just want a sandwich.
What’s amazing about this story is that it feels like it ends a number of times. There’s the conclusion of the Briar Rose story line, the conclusion of the glass orbs and then there’s still more. It feels a little long by the end (or maybe we were just exhausted from the drive) and yet each new section brings more greatness, so you don’t mind.
It is a very satisfying conclusion to this trilogy.
And once again, Bronson Pinchot was amazing He keeps all of the old voices (of course). And he adds new voices. Once again, I enjoyed a the decisions that Pinchot made which helped make the book even funnier–things that aren’t written any differently but he decides to read them that way. How does he do it? And be sure to stay until the very end when Pinchot is hijacked while reading the credits.
I delighted that Healy has a new series that he’s working on. And I’m delighted that Pinchot has so many other audio books that I can listen to.
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