[LISTENED TO: August 2014] The Hero’s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom
This audio book was ten hours long. We listened to it on a long car trip (from Michigan to New Jersey) and when it looked like we might not finish the book, I considered slowing down on the interstate so we’d get to the end before we got home. THAT is how good this book was.
This book picks up a few months after the exciting conclusion of the first book. The Princes are back home (well, most of them are), reveling in the glory of their accomplishments. Except that those blasted bards have written new songs about the League of Princes, like the incredibly popular “The Embarrassment of the League of Princes” which is causing the Princes even more grief than they had before they saved the world from blowing up.
Prince Liam is living with Prince Frederic (in Frederic’s castle). He is trying to train Frederic to be a better fighter (with very poor results). Princess Ella is living there too (in separate rooms, of course). Ella and Frederic have been engaged since their first adventure, but not much has been spoken about it since that first day. Indeed, Ella is a much better fighter than Frederic and she has been training harder with Liam. Liam is clearly smitten with Ella, but he doesn’t want to hurt Frederic. When Frederic’s father gets fed up with Liam trying to teach Frederic how to fight, he makes it clear that Liam is unwanted. So Liam leaves.
Gustav is not fairing any better. It is his brother’s birthday and the humongous cake has been set out for them (while Gustav has been sent to the kiddie table). When he disrupts the ceremony once the bard sings “The Embarrassment of the League of Princes,” he is unceremoniously sent off to teach the trolls how to farm (so they stop stealing from the villager’s gardens). Of course, Gustav knows next to nothing about farming, so he teaches them how to brawl, which the trolls love even more.
Duncan has been writing a book since the first book. It was originally to be called The Heroes’ Guide to Saving Your Kingdom (hey!), but has since been changes to The Heroes’ Guide to Being a Hero.
The Prologue of our book tells us about Duncan’s book and then says:
No you may be asking yourself, Who is this Prince Duncan and what makes him such an expert on heroes? To which I will respond by saying that perhaps you may have skipped a book on your way to this one. You should probably check on that.
So yes, the series will continue to be hilarious.
After a few chapter, Liam is stolen from Frederic’s castle. It doesn’t take a genius, well, it does take Ella, to figure out that it was Briar Rose’s men who captured him. She plans to marry him and merge their kingdoms, whether he is conscious or not. And now the Princes have a quest–they must rescue Liam from Briar Rose before, gasp, the wedding can happen.
So by the second or third disc, the princes are on the verge of rescuing Liam and I couldn’t imagine how this book was going to last ten discs. And that’s when the REAL quest is revealed.
One of the reasons why Briar Rose wanted to marry Liam is because his family had a jewel-encrusted sword. It held the pride of place in the family’s vault. Ad boy did she ever want that sword. So on the day after the wedding she goes to Liam’s castle (where she humiliates Liam’s parents) and demands to see the vault. And that’s when Liam reveals that the very sword was stolen by the Bandit King.
And so Briar Rose demands that Liam retrieve this sword for her. And he says he will only do so if the League of Princes (and their significant others) can help. Of course, Lila (who has been spying on everyone rather successfully) wants to help, but Liam won’t allow his little sister to help (which means that she will just continue spying on them).
Since they all know where Deeb Rauber, the Bandit King lives, they plan an attack on his castle. But that’s when Ruffian the Blue (who has actually been out in the real world, not playing games at home in his own private castle for the last few months) reveals that in the 8 months since the last book, Deeb Rauber has rebuilt the Castle that Zaubera the witch once lived in. He has erected an 80 foot wall around the place, named the whole land Rauberia and declared himself King. He is now a (somewhat) respected King among the 13 Kingdoms.
That changes things somewhat.
And so they form a plan. But things have changed somewhat in the last eight months. Perhaps most crucially, Liam has learned the truth about his foundational adventure when he was 4 years old (defeating assassins single-handedly) and he is quite distracted. So he is relying on others for his plans. Fortunately the others are all good at offering advice. And he listen to them all. Except Frederic. For the jealousy about Ella is starting to get to him, and he takes it out on Frederic. So much so that Frederic eventually leaves unceremoniously, much to Ella and everyone else’s dismay.
But they still have a plan to hatch. They will dig under the 80 foot wall. Oh wait, the dwarves refused to help. Well, the real problem is that Snow White is mad at the dwarves and she tells them that she will dismiss any of the dwarves that come on the mission with her. Wait what? Yes, Snow White is accompanying them as well (Snow White is the even more hippy version of Duncan the hippie dude–they are hilarious together, and he baggage comes in very handy. Oh, and even more hilarious are the names of Duncan’s family: his father, King King, his mother Queen Apricotta (named after her parents favorite fruit) and his twin sisters, Mavis, Marvella (who are hilarious in their own weird way)).
Gustav has no trouble getting assistance from Mr Troll, who is looking forward to putting some of those fighting skills to good use. It also helps that Deeb Rauber is terrified of trolls after what happened to him in the last book.
The only missing link in their plan (well, actually there are several, but this one was missing from the start) is that they need someone to be a double agent for them–to pretend to capture them and join The Bandit King’s army and then release them later that night so they can steal Liam’s sword back. And after returning to the Stumpy Boarhound (to much fanfare), they finally select a potential helper–Little Tailor (who wipes out his enemies with a needle and thread. No really).
With most of their elements in place, the Princes set out to get their plan under way. (There’s about ten hitches that come up during this time which I’m leaving out because the story is super long and because the hitches are what make it so exciting–how on earth will they manage all of this)?
Well, some unexpected faces help out. Reese the giant refuses to help out, because he is happy making his art. But you know, his mom might be up for some crushing. There’s the incredibly helpful (and fast) Smimf the messenger. Even Rapunzel is willing to help out on this one (she has a thing for Frederic, I think). And of course Lila is game for anything, even if Liam doesn’t let her help. Even Briar Rose comes along, mostly to make sure these idiots actually accomplish their task. It should be a piece of cake, really.
I mean how tough can Deeb Rauber be, he’s Ella’s cousin, after all (well, we finally hear the history of Deeb, which is hilariously wicked). The Princes defeated him once before. Well, in the interim, Deeb has made even more of a name for himself as king. He has invited other kings to his castle (and stolen their goods). The only king left is Lord Rundark the (seriously) scariest man around and warlord of Dar. I mean, sure people are afraid of The Bandit King, but he is nothing compared to Lord Rundark who is just plain evil.
Their meeting goes quite well. Deeb is in awe of how seriously evil Rundark is, and Rundark is shocked at how much respect Rauber’s bandits pay him, since he is an undisciplined child. They each plan to wait things out and see what happens. So naturally Rauber plans to have a circus to celebrate.
And that circus is just the distraction our heroes are looking for. Needless to say lots of things will happen when the circus comes to kingdom. (Most of it bad for the circus performers–who actually have a history with Frederic).
There are so many funny moments in this whole business–the standoffish clowns, Rauber’s torture devices (one that drops spit into your ear, for instance), Rauber’s attitude to Rundark, heck, everything about Rauber is hilarious. Well, make that everything in the book is hilarious–Briar Rose’s snarky attitude, Troll and Troll and Troll and Mr. Troll, the name of Duncan’s horse, heck every time Duncan speaks. And of course, the bards are on hand to make everybody angry with their factually inaccurate songs. [UPDATE: And I totally forgot about one of my favorite recurring jokes when one of the characters keeps saying “as they say in my country” and then saying the exact English phrase that we would use. Whic aggravated Deeb Rauber more and more. Such a simple joke that made us laugh every time]
But there’s also some serious dangers afoot as well. For all the joking, Rundark is a seriously bad guy. And his henchmen don’t mess around (and want nothing to do with this circus). There is a moat full of bladejaw eels, there is a hole in which only a 30 foot snake can fit (which means there is a 30 foot snake) and, to top it off, there’s the Gray Phantom, who sneaks into people’s house and robs them, and has everyone on edge. The violence is a little yucky at times (especially the way Pinchot reads the word “gut,”) but it was never too much for my six-year-old. And once again, the most offensive word is “crud.” So this is a very family friendly series.
And once again, Bronson Pinchot was amazing He keeps all of the old voices (of course). And he adds new voices. Like the incredibly deep voiced and menacing Rundark. And Reese’ mom. I also enjoyed a lot of the decisions that Pinchot mad which helped make the book even funnier. Like the way the has Duncan read the excerpts from his book as the chapters open but has him really stumble and stutter while saying the name of his own book (which is not written that way). One of the pauses was at least five seconds, which is even funnier. And if you thought he exhausted his repertoire of voices in book one, the addition of several new characters, Little Tailor, all of Rundark’s henchmen (some of the practically inaudible with their lisps and slurring) like Wrathgar, Madu and Jezek, and the appropriately named Redshirt. How does he do it? Is he actually having a conversation with himself as Deeb (nasal and a little whiny) and Rundark (incredibly deep and ponderous) while narrated by his normal speaking voice? That must be amazing to watch.
I enjoyed this book so much that after we listen to the third one (which is out, but I need a ten-hour drive for us to be able to listen to it all in a timely fashion), I’m prepared to read the books rather than listen to them, just so I can enjoy the illustrations and see if I can read it as funny as Pinchot does (I can’t, but I’ll try).
Man, I cannot wait to listen to book three! Where’s a vacation when I need one.
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