I Just Read About That…

SOUNDTRACK: TROUT FISHING IN AMERICA-“I Got a Cheese Log” (2004).

We bought the Trout Fishing in AMerica Christmas CD (Merry Fishes to All) this year. It arrived on the day before Christmas, so we didn’t get to listen to it too much).  But I rather enjoyed the nonsense of this song–everybody else got exactly what they wanted for Christmas but “I got a cheese log.”  It’s catchy (with piano, which is a bit unexpected for them) and the punchline of the chorus has a great wanh wanh sound.

But getting only a cheese log is enough to make anyone turn evil.

[READ: December 31, 2012] Vordak the Incomprehensible

Technically, according to the cover,  the author of this book is Vordak the Incomprehensible, but I’m going by the copyright page.

C.’s school had a Scholastic book fair.  I grabbed this book (with its large $2.50 sticker on the cover) figuring I could get him a surprise gift.  Of course, the people who work the Scholastic Book Fair seem to have no idea that one might be trying to surreptitiously buy a book for the child one is with–imbeciles!  brain-dead nincompoops!! (See the book is working, I feel more evil already).  Anyhow, since C. saw it, I told him that he could “buy” it for me for Christmas.  Which he rather liked.  And so, I read it on the last day of 2012 (making sure he saw me read it).

This book is very funny and a lot of fun.  I feel like it may be a year or two too old for him to really appreciate (like Wimpy Kid)–he would certainly laugh at most of the jokes, but I think it would be really really funny with a bit more, dare I say it, life experiences.

So the book is written by Vordak the Incomprehensible, an evil mastermind who is retiring.  He is passing along every thing he knows to you, the reader, despite his utter lack of faith in your abilities.

He begins with an evil aptitude exam to find out just how evil you are. There are answers like a) run to the fire department to get help or c) tap into your advanced knowledge of genetic engineer to create a tree-climbing pit bull.  If you score high enough you can read on to see some examples of being evil.  Like how it’s not evil to call a cow a “big fat cow” but it is evil to call the lunch lady a “big fat cow.”  I also enjoyed that one of the ways to make a girl scout cry is to alter the names of the cookies: Do-Si-Dos becomes Dog-i-do’s.  Tee hee.  And How to Make your Mother Pass Out was genius, especially as it contained the disclaimer: “If you are stupid enough to actually stick the fork into the electric outlet, your run toward world domination will be a short one”).

The choosing your evil name puzzle was fun and the mask chart was hilarious.  I laughed out loud at the Supervllain Power Chart which shows the villain’s name along with assumed and then actual power.  Like: Atlas.  Assumed: possesses incredible strength Actual: knows capitals of all 50 states.  The creating a lair section was very helpful.  What I liked especially about these sections was how it played with some already existing characters but also had some original ideas as well–a good mix of familiar and new.

The Slow Acting Death Trap is a wonderful section which answers all of the questions one might have about this widely used and often mocked practice (its in the superhero/supervillain Rules of Etiquette that you explain your plans and give the superhero a chance to escape).  Vordak also includes the catalog where you can buy all of your evil accessories.

The final chapter is called “You Rule the World Now What?”  I laughed that there was supposed to be a warning at the beginning of the chapter that said do not read this until you are the actual ruler of the world, but the publisher put it in the wrong place.  Ha!  or should I say MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

This book was a lot of fun, and although I had never heard of it, there are two more books in the Vordak series.