I Just Read About That…

SOUNDTRACK: CAPTAIN BEEFHEART AND HIS MAGIC BAND-Trout Mask Replica (1968).

–Fast and Bulbous.
–Bulbous yes, but also tapered.

This is an infamous disc in the history of music.  Which surprises me, as I can’t imagine many people have ever listened to it in its entirety.  I learned about it though my Frank Zappa fascination (he produced the record).

This disc also holds some kind of fascination for fiction writers.  I recall an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (yes, of course I watched it) in which a new character was introduced.  He was a cool hip indie guy and I thought he was finally a cool character on a show I was getting rather sick of.  But because he was different, he was of course mocked.

He is first mocked for keeping his records in alphabetical order (and come on, anyone with more than 50 discs has to, it’s not a sign of weirdness, just common sense).  And second he was mocked for owning this album (picture a 90210er say Captain Beefheart?).  Of course, later on, he goes on to commit murder or arson or some other thing, thereby proving that alternative music is only for psychopaths, but heck, when has TV ever lied to us?

And now, this disc is a favorite of the hero of this book (which is what prompted me to bust out the disc and give it a listen).

And so wow, what a weird album.  Even 41 years later this record is still waaay out there.   The disc opens with “Frownland.”  And how to describe it?  The left speaker is playing sort of free jazz guitar chords.  The right speaker is playing a wild atonal guitar solo with a thumping bass.  In both speakers you get all over the place (but rather quiet) drums and the good Captain himself singing in a voice that could have inspired Tom Waits.  And the Captain’s song would be a very catchy melody if it had anything to do with what everyone else was playing (which it doesn’t).  And the whole things lasts for under 2 minutes.  There’s 28 songs not unlike this one, for a total of about 75 minutes.

Some other treats: a wild skronking horn solo on one song.  There’s also a song about the Holocaust.  And there’s even several music-free spoken word “poetry” readings.  And of course, the aforementioned bulbous quote.

Amidst this chaos are three songs that are more or less songs in the conventional sense, “Moonlight on Vermont,” “Veteran’s Day Poppy” and “Sugar ‘n Spikes,” meaning they have verses and choruses and whatnot.  But even those are still pretty far out and won’t be (and haven’t been) on the radio anytime soon.

Word is that this is a hugely influential disc and it lands on all kinds of Best Album Of All Time lists.  I can see that it has influenced a few people over the years (Devandra Banhart comes to mind), but still.  This is the kind of music you put on at a party when you want everyone to go home.

[READ: November 6, 2009] I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President

I heard about this book when Jon Stewart gave it a big plug on The Daily Show (the author is one of the writers for the show).  After many of the “heavy” titles that I’d been reading, it was a delight to read something that was purely comic.

And it was very funny indeed.

The book reminded me in many ways of Artemis Fowl (if Aretmis hadn’t turned over a new leaf–and without the fairies, of course).  In fact, I’m not entirely sure what the age group for the book is.  The main character is in seventh grade (and the language is very mild, certainly suitable for kids).  But when I found it in the book store, it was in the adult section.  So, I’m not entirely sure where to place it.

Anyhow, the premise here is that Oliver Watson is an evil genius.  Evil here doesn’t mean psychotic or sociopathic, he doesn’t want to kill people.  He just wants things to go the way he wants.  All the time.  And he is usually quite successful.  He is, after all, one of the top 5 wealthiest people in the world.  And he’s only in 7th Grade.

But as any genius knows, a 7th grader can’t be one of the richest men in the world, so he needs a front.  And he has hired Sheldrake to be the face of his wealth (at least until he is 18).

Oliver is pretty contemptuous of people in general, but of children in general.  He believes that all children are stupid (and he cites many examples of middle school behavior to back him up).  He also thinks most of his teachers are stupid (and in one case he tries to set two of them up so that they can make each other miserable (ha!)).

And so, his public face to the whole school (and even to his parents) is that of a complete moron.  He sleeps during class, he answers poorly and, most importantly he talks like a blithering idiot.  But if he thinks everyone is beneath contempt, then why does he wan to be class president?

Well, first, because he was nominated. The most evil girl in school Tati, nominated him, presumably as a joke (although she may suspect that he’s not as dumb as he seems).  But he refused the nomination.  So then, why?

Well, that has a lot to do with his family.  The most important part of his family is his dog Lollipop.  Lollipop is a specially trained pit bull (photo included in the book).  And wait till you here how well trained she is!  As for the rest of his family, his mother is fat and dumb and rather lovable (and he does love her…he allows that much affection in his life). His father is, well, let’s say his father is not very happy that his life was ruined by the birth of this idiot son of his.  In fact, his father has made no bones about his distaste for his son.  So, when Oliver learns that his father won class president and it was the most important day of his life, well Oliver sets out to show him that any idiot (namely himself) can do it.

And he is willing to do ANYTHING to win (including spend a lot of his vast fortune) and deliberately make a fool of himself in front of everyone.  So imagine his surprise when he suddenly gets a trio of girls in his class making posters for him (their moms will have to “win” a lottery one of these days).

But what happens when all of his plans go awry (as you know they will)?  And just how many enemies can a 7th grader make?

This book was very very funny.  The way that Oliver spoke and dismissed others was great.  The running cigarette joke is hilarious.  As are all of the wonderful literary jokes (he’s trying to set up the English teacher after all).  In fact, everything to do with Mr Moorhead is fantastic.  And the pacing is wonderful  It’s a super fast read, and I laughed on just about every page (except during the explosions).

I was also very amused by the whole Captain Beefheart thing.  (What a wonderfully weird thing to have as a kid’s favorite band…how on earth would he have ever heard of it?)

The only complaint about the book I had was with the plates (well, specifically because one was missing).  There are pictures scattered through out the book.  They are all referenced in the text (ie. See Plate 1 for  picture of Lollipop).  And many of them are funny.  The problem was that Plate Number 16 was not included in the book!  It’s nowhere to be found.  And it had the potential to be the funniest one of all, as it was meant to show a typical PBS pledge drive (his father works for the local affiliate).  Given the mock up of other scenes, I think the PBS one would have been great.

That said, one printing error does not in any way detract from the book.  It’s a great read.  It’s very funny. What else can I write?

As Oliver himself might say:

Chapter 1:

I am Done now

Chapter 2:

Stop reading

Chapter 3:

What are you, an idiot?  I said stop reading.