I Just Read About That…

[ATTENDED: October 24, 2017] The Mads Are Back! 

Just a few months after seeing MST3K Live, I found out that two more MST3K alum were also touring.  This time it was TVs Frank (Coniff) and Dr. Clayton Forrester or Crow T. Robot (Trace Beaulieu).  I was so excited that they were coming to Bethlehem. I hoped to see both shows, but could only make one.

I didn’t realize that they had been riffing like this together since 2015.  They were clearly having fun and the show was a real treat–even if the movie was possibly the worst film I have ever seen.

Unlike the massive specatcle that was the MST3K tour, The Mads show was far more low-key.  In fact, Frank Coniff and Trace Beaulieu were sitting at the entrance greeting people (I was running late and basically got there just as they were packing up, rats).

We went into the theater (the theater at ArtsQuest is luxurious!), and after a few minutes of screen grabs like the one above, the two came out and stood before us.

As you can see, there were no costumes, no props, nothing fancy.  And that was fine.  Because we were there for the jokes.  And there were plenty of jokes.

After a few minutes of introductory riffing and teasing, the guys took seats right in the front of the theater and told us about the stinker of a movie we’d be watching.

Walk The Dark Street.

Not only is it a crappy movie, Frank promised, it’s a shitty print, too.

The movie starred Chuck Connors, Frank told us, to tepid response.  He said he thought that would get a bigger reaction.  I had no idea who that was, although I see he was The Rifleman and has been in a billion other things.  Well, he was pretty terrible in this movie I can tell you.  So wooden and stiff they got to make lots of lumbering monster jokes.

The movie is basically a slight twist on The Most Dangerous Game.  And I kind of appreciated the twist.   Although the beginning of the movie is confusing as all get out (which may have been the print, although I don’t think so).  I absolutely had to get a surreptitious audio (who cared about the video–although somehow it looks better here) of Crow’s voice, so here’s the little clip I took of the war scene.

It starts with stock footage of the Korean War and a really lame scene of men crouching around talking.  The crux is that Tommy is mad he was passed up for promotion and he blames his commander, Dan.  Tommy wrote to his brother Frank to say that if he died in the war it was Dan’s fault.

Dan meets with Frank (Chuck Connors–and not Frank Coniff whom I will refer to as TVs Frank for the rest of this post) and they have a really awkward, weird meeting with “lots of decanting” and a bizarre “movie” made of stock footage of animals.

Frank says that because of his heart he can no longer hunt.  So instead, he has outfitted his gun to make it a camera gun  What?  The “bullets” are actually film, somehow.  How this is actually different from hunting in term of stress is never explained.

Frank asks if Dan hunts.  Dan says yes.  Frank offers for each of them to “hunt” each other using the camera guns (there are only two in the world!).  They will get to hide in two sections of L.A. (helpfully labelled 1 and 2 on the map) for 48 hours.  The first to “shoot” the other wins.  Of course, Frank has plans to actually shoot Dan, but whatever.

I rather appreciated the twist of them hunting each other and using cameras.  That was pretty neat.  However, that plot is basically a 20 minute movie.  This movie felt like it was three hours.

At least 3/4 of the movie was footage of these two guys “walking the dark streets.”  Literally.  They would walk down streets and on several occasions just miss each other.  Now these scenes were pretty well done–he looks around the corner just after the other guy walks away.  But how many times can that happen (actually logistically how likely were they to ever be that close to each other).  There’s a very funny scene at the end with gigantic Frank driving a very tiny car (it’s a convertible and his head is easily sic inches higher than the windscreen).  Trace and TVs Frank have a lot of fun with that scene.  And even more when Frank somehow follows Dan in a boat, which goes as slow as if he was walking.

So these two guys basically plod around for two days in what felt like real time.  This movie could have been good if there was tension or substance or subplot, but there wasn’t. Although there were two other characters added to the film (and a “cameo” of a guy singing a song in a nightclub–wonder how much he paid to be in it).

Tommy’s ex-fiancee tries to pick up Dan in a bar–earlier a waitress tried to pick him up in a diner, too.  Who knew loose women were just hanging around L.A. waiting for short, mildly attractive men.  This was all some kind of elaborate double cross (I guess), until the woman realizes that Frank is nuts.  Later when Frank confronts her he manhandles her (much to the boos of TVs Frank and Trace and everyone in the audience).

Later, Frank also picks up a woman.  But their date is even weirder than Dan’s.  And then the “hilarious” scene in the store that they both go into for a raincoat–and switch guns???

There’s  a “twist” at the end.  And then it was mercifully over.

I don’t know how TV’s Frank and Trace watched this movie without themselves to help themselves through it.

Their riffs were very funny, and they clearly played to the audience in various ways.  Unlike the MST3K show, when a joke bombed, TVs Frank or Trace commented on it “thank you, one person.”  It was absolutely surreal to be sitting in the same room as Crow T. Robot riffing on a movie.  Frank even made a “watch out for snakes” joke, to which Trace replied “watch out for pandering.”

There were no skits no pauses, just 80 or so minutes of very funny riffing.  Having two people instead of three definitely meant for fewer jokes and there were a few stages where they were quiet for a little too long, but, really, they did a hilarious job with so many jokes (I’m only surprised they never made a Morrissey joke –Connors sure looked like Morrissey as he was clutching his heart looking out the window).

After the show, they did a Q&A.  I imagine that they field the same basic questions at every show, but they handled them with good-natured humor and ribbing (they’re not mad at the MST3K guys at all, Joe Don Baker still hates them, etc).

And then they did a pimp-session where the sold merch of all kinds.  I got a print (signed), and chatted with them for a few seconds (they were both really nice).  And they took a picture with me.

It was such a different experience than the MST3K one.  Less spectacle and much more personal. I loved both events for very different reasons, and I think I laughed just as hard at each one.  Although the personal touch was very cool.

I hope they come back again (but with a different movie).